Harry Potter and the iPhone of Doom

How would you feel if you were on holiday straight after the new release of 2007—possibly the most significant launch of any product in living memory. You’d miss all the hype and reaction and end up a week behind everyone else. Then you’d be like, “Hey did you guys know that…” and they’d be like, “Oh come on! That’s old news. We’ve known that since last week. Where have you been? Down the beach or something?” Well, yes actually.

Fortunately my beach holiday is this week, so I only miss all the talk about that phone thingy. The biggest event this year—which will make everyone forget about that phone—is of course the launch of the final Hairy Peter, um Harry Porter, sorry, Potter. You know the one. The kid who looks like a nerd kicked in the forehead by an electric donkey.

The amazing thing is though, HP is not going to make us forget about the iP. You see, I have inside knowledge direct from JK^* in the UK.

Warning: Spoiler ahead.

Some of you who prefer to wait to find out what happens in HP7, and most importantly who dies or gets killed in this, the last Harry Potter, have nothing to fear. It’s those who like a good parody. This one’s probably so bad it’ll spoil your appetite.

Firstly, you’ve all been had. No wonder you think someone’s going to die when you’ve heard that Harry Potter 7 is called “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” Very scary and ominous. Although someone does get killed, sorry, that’s just a working title. With all the secrecy and non-disclosure agreements and stuff surrounding the iPhone, it couldn’t be revealed—until now, lucky reader—that the new Harry Potter is in fact “Harry Potter and the iPhone of Doom.”

I’ll just pause for a moment while you all recover.

Now if you think that’s big, well, check this: I can outline the plot for you and even tell you who dies. And you will be surprised.

First the big shock: Dumbledore is Steve Jobs! And, you guessed it, Voldemort is Bill Gates. Oh, and Hagrid is Phil Schiller and Pettigrew is Steve Balmer.

So to the story. With cheap trinkets, Voldemort has been controlling the minds of the Muggles for years in an effort to turn them against the wizardry of Hogwarts. Dumbledore is slowly gaining ground, first with the iPod, but now he is weaving new magic, and Voldemort’s rapidly losing his grip on the Muggles. Dumbledore releases the iPhone.

Voldemort immediately buys up all the iPhones, causing an embarrassing shortage for Dumbledore. Voldemort then installs Windows CE on them, paints them brown and sells them as his own. Sales are slow and he dumps them on eBay.

Meanwhile, Harry isn’t able to get an iPhone so he goes to see Dumbledore. Harry asks if he can have his, reminding Dumbledore of all the times he, i.e Harry, saved Hogwarts. Dumbledore declines and an argument breaks out and Harry gets angry and zaps Dumbledore to smithereens.

Fleeing, Harry bumps into Ron and Hermione and tells them to go to Hagrid quick, as Harry has done a terrible thing which will unleash Voldemort. Of course, he’ll explain later.

Knowing that Voldemort will pursue him now that Dumbledore is dead, and not wanting to bring a wizard war to Hogwarts, Harry leaves and heads for the mountains. (And because all the best fight scenes are on high places.)

Sure enough, Voldemort tracks Harry down.

A wizardy battle ensues with lots of zaps, pows, flashes, smoke, and lights. Our hero of course starts to lose, then fights back until he has Voldemort at his mercy.

But then Voldemort shouts, “Harry, I am your father.” (Of course. What else would you expect?) Harry blinks. Expression fades from his face. Years race behind his eyes. He stumbles back. Voldemort struggles to his feet, wipes blood from the corner of his mouth. “That’s why you killed Dumbledore. It’s in your blood, Harry.” Harry blinks again, focuses on the face of Voldemort, his father. And then he flushes red with rage. “You bastard!” he screams. “You made me live for all those years with the Dursleys!”

In a blind fury, Harry casts spell after spell at Voldemort, sending him reeling backwards—towards the edge of a conveniently placed cliff—until a phone rings. Harry pauses, pulls the iPhone from his pocket, answers, clicks speaker mode, and points it at Voldemort. “It’s for you.” The voice of Dumbledore comes through. “Hi, Voldy.” Puzzled, Voldemort looks at Harry. “We faked Dumbledore’s death to flush you out,” says Harry. Dumbledore speaks again. “We’ve sold so many of these babies, Voldy, we’ve made so much money, we just bought Microsoft.” Voldemort screams, loses his balance, and falls off the cliff. Harry sends wave after wave of spells at him blasting him into smithereens.

So there you have it. Now you know everything, but most importantly, what Aussies do to amuse themselves when they get made to wait for the launch of the iPhone.

*Jack Karatz. He’s the garbo at JKR’s place. He found all these tossed out bits of paper with lots of writing and crossings out on them.